Climbing out of the Abyss

I haven't written anything for a while, not on here or on any of my fanfictions.  There are multiple reasons for this, ranging from the simple to the complex.  I guess I owe my readers an explanation, which is also a means of explaining my absence from a few of my online friends as well.  I will try not to talk your electronic ear off about what's going on, but we'll see how that goes.

Reason # 1: I am listing this one first because, honestly, this is the biggest reason for me being gone.  Its what extended my couple weeks break from writing into a month or so long break that dipped into a horrible unproductivity.  What is it?  Depression.  Only those that know me personally are aware that I suffer from anxiety and depression.  My return to fanfiction.net this year helped boost me up in the confidence department and kept my brain busy from all those horrid, negative thoughts that have been piling up over the years due to personal issues that I won't talk about now.  But for some reason, right around chapter 7 of "Terminal Affair" I started getting that telltale inability to concentrate, that listless and tired physical state, and a pretty damned bad bout of insomnia.  I usually suffer from insomnia, I mean, hell, that's where some of my best chapters have come from, but when that's coupled with a crippling inability to think clearly and such tiredness that I don't even know if I want to turn on my computer to check my e-mail or my facebook then we have a problem.  A couple weeks into this and I started getting my migraines again, the kind that lasted all day in varying intensities.  I literally lost all energy or want to do anything and just wanted to crawl under a rock and sleep until the zombie apocalypse because my only hope of getting in a better mood was the thought of blowing some half-rotting ex-douchebag's skull into little pieces.  (Now that I think of it, my wish for the end of the world and this odd violent tendency is probably signs of some kind of fucked-up psychosis, but meh...) 

Reason # 2: I've been concentrating more on my original novels.  Yeah, because of reason 1 its been hard work, but I've at least gotten through at least organizing (for the most part) my files on my computer, the ones having to do with my writing, and starting typing up all my paper files.  I have about three big plastic tubs full of notebooks and binders full of stories, both original and fanfic, I have to go through.  This is something I should have started a big ago, but didn't feel like doing, and since I recently learned that my harddrive with all of my writing and files pre-last year was unsavable I decided it was time to move on and stop hoping I was going to get those files back.  That didn't help my depression by the way.  It sucked learning that five years of my life -- writing, personal notes, personal photos -- were all gone, and all because my little drive slipped off my chair that I had set it on while working on my laptop.  Two feet from the chair to the floor and BAM.  But now I'm seeing just how much I had the thought to print out back then.  I won't get even 25% of what i lost, but its something, and I might find some old writing that might make me laugh, or cringe.  I'm hoping that getting back into my original writing will lead to, well, obviously finishing something and getting published.  It doesn't even matter to me whether I self-publish something on a e-book website I found (more on that later) or get it published by a bigger publisher.  Just finishing something original has become a big priority for me.

Reason # 3: Which is related to 2.  I'm helping a couple friends with their original novels.  My best friend actually has a kick-ass novel idea brewing which I am kinda co-writing and assisting with research for.  We even have an artist on the team.  When she finishes its going to be pretty rad and unique if we can pull it off with the original vision she explained.  Her husband is also a writer and has finished the first part of a long fantasy novel series.  I'm to be his first editor and commentor. 

Reason # 4: Gears of War 3 came out.  Okay, okay, so this is a more recent distraction, but my favorite boys from Delta get prime attention.  Some might think this is lame, but what do you expect from a gamer chick that writes fanfiction.  Heh.  For those that haven't played 3, or even the Gears series, I highly recommend it.  I have played a lot of games and I'm pretty picky when it comes to plot and characterization.  I can play sucky games for fun, but very few games have emotionally effected me and pulled me in such as Gears.  It rocks so hard.  I will actually say that part of what has brought me out of the worst of my emotional crap was getting Gears and seeing those characters again.  Despite the seriousness of the storyline and sometimes tragic turns nothing makes me smile and laugh like Marcus, Dom, Baird, and Cole.  Mostly Cole giving Baird a hard time. 

Loves the fact Baird's just sitting over there all badass.

So yeah.  I'm getting better.  I've being staring at my fanfictions.  I'm behind on reading, and I'm really behind, as in, haven't done shit for the betas I was supposed to do.  So if I was supposed to beta you I'm sorry, but when I go through a depressive anxiety driven freak out I have a tendency to be too afraid to message and/or talk to people.  Hopefully I'll have something soon, but if anything I will be making a new post here, and I think I'll make a facebook page for Shadow Ocelot, my fanfic pseudonym, mostly because I hate posting updates on twitter, and most people nowadays check their facebook more, so I will likely post a link to that soon and you can keep up with my updates there and bug me.  Trust me, I'll welcome it.

Love you guys for being patient, and I am so very sorry.