So, I think I'm back. I mean, as back as I can be with five classes taking up some of my time, but Mars willing I will be able to at least tap out a chapter more often than I have been. Life is still a roller coaster. I know it may be strange to some of you, if you are reading this, that I do talk about my personal issues like that -- the depression and anxiety -- and I want you to know its not because I want attention, actually far from, but I know quite a few people that have experienced very similar issues in their life and perhaps if I talk about it then if someone out there, maybe you, feel the same things then you know that you are not alone out there. Some might say, "oh, you're depressed? So that means you're fucking sad, boo hoo, get over it." Its not that simple. I wish it were that simple. Its an issue that effects many aspects of the lives of the people that have to go through it. For me its sometimes my inability to interact with people, even on the internet. That constant paranoid feeling of being judged even when you're not, or looked upon with a critical eye, or just that fear that you'll say or do something wrong. And when I have felt like I've done something wrong I don't know how to go about fixing it, so I just disappear under my rock. Its a very lonely rock sometimes.
But I won't give up. I guess I should just take a page out of our dear Courier's book and take this shot in the head life gave me and get up and get moving. Won't let it slow me down. We all carry burdens; emotional, physical, even situational. In this day and time it gets easy to get left behind, forgotten. That's when we need a reminder that there is someone out there, someone who cares and is willing to listen. For everyone. You just need to know where to look or when to open your eyes and see it. For me its my close friends, some I've met online, most I've met in real life. I'm not the type to have a lot of friends. More of a small close-knit group type of person. I think that's why sometimes its so hard to meet new people and know how to interact with them, because I'm not quite sure how I'll be taken by strangers. No matter how much we have in common. I'm going to try.
And I want to say that even the smallest bit of encouragement or recognition from you does wonders. You may not be very aware and I may be too scared or embarrassed to PM you with a thank you much of the time, but those that stand by me and continue to read my writing, truly remember me, they mean a great deal to me. Because, I remember your names (pennames for the most part in the case of fanffiction.net) and I smile when I get a review or a message from someone that's been loyally following my works. I feel a great responsibility to do the best I can for you. It is a bit much to say we are friends, since I do not know many of you personally, never even spoken via messengers, but I will say that some of you feel like comrades. Kin, in a way. We've all come together with a single purpose and whether we know it or not support each other with our words. A "great job!" or "cool story, bro!" goes a long way for people. In some cases it might be the thing that brightens someone's day more than anything else can. It could make the worst day better just by having that message in your inbox letting you know that there is someone out there that you've touched somehow, in some way.
Yeah, this is a bit serious, but in a way I guess I'm a serious person despite all my joking around. Maybe I've just been in a mood since I finished Lonesome Road, where it really did emphasize just how much one person can influence another by just doing what they do. It doesn't matter whether you write, or whether you just read. You contribute to a larger community, feed it, help it grow. People may say fanfiction is pointless, but how many times have you read a good story that really makes you think, makes you consider things, feel things you might not have before? Its the same as any fiction. As long as there's a love behind what you do it will shine through. We can all be bright lights in this world and shine upon other people. I have always had, and will always have a deep appreciation for my readers. Its something many writers should have, seeing as without your readers you're not really anything. You could write the greatest masterpiece, but what does it matter if there's no one to share it with you?
I really shouldn't get too heavy into the philosophy I suppose. I really wanted to let people know that yes, I am alive and that yes, I do continue to write and work on the stories that you've all come to love and want to see more of. I guess my return was officially the one-shot "The Divide" which was sparked by my completion of the Lonesome Road, although I was trying very hard to update Imperium for Christmas. Alas, the holidays were busy around my house, especially with a close friend coming down to visit for a couple weeks. Its my goal to have chapter 17 out soon and get this story moving again, just as I wish to continue with my others. I have also been looking at Son of Mars and realize that I deeply want to rewrite some bits and re-edit it, perhaps have an extended version so I don't know when I'll update that one. You may see the previous version be replaced very soon.
I'm also organizing my stories and figuring out which ones I want to write on the most and which I should put on the back burner. I have many more than I have actually posted up on Fanfiction.net, but I write on them just the same. Over time some of these have lost their spark and I realize they're not a good idea anymore, probably never had been. These will be discarded so the better stories can move up and take their place.
It will take time to get it sorted out. In the meantime the following is a list of projects that have burned themselves in my mind as priorities or are just thumping around up there at the moment. Some you know, others, you may not:
1. Imperium et Liberatus
2. Son of Mars (Re-Write)
3. A Terminal Affair
4. Resurrection Road -- although this one may wait a bit until I have completed one of my shorter stories, such as Terminal.
5. Someone I Used to Know -- If I actually started writing hard on this I could have it completed in no time.
6. Golden Rule -- A legion story that's been bugging me for a bit, I keep going back to it. It centers around a fairly lost courier and Aurelius of Phoenix.
7. Hollow - won't say too much, but pretty much a male courier story. Twisted, depraved. Hopefully some depth.
8. Carry On - A very short, maybe 3-4 chapter story involving the Courier and Ulysses. He's seemed to have found a way into my heart and won't leave.
I may update this list in a few days. Its getting late and I have class tomorrow.
Vale.
